Month 4 and 5

I skipped last month. Last month I had nothing to report. Last month we were in a whirlwind of moving and hosting amazing guests and I didn't know which end was up. Last month very little was accomplished (except so very much was accomplished, just not having to do with the goals for my 25th year).

Month 5, though, has been loads better. I'm steadily writing a new story, with the help of some great edits by Margaret, and I've also been sprucing up my "finished" short story called Benz, with the help of my undergrad friend (and another fellow writer), Steven. Hopefully I'll have another set up submission in October.

Running has been slow going. Work changed locations, meaning my morning routine went all higgly-jiggly, and now at 6AM it's night time outside instead of being a lovely rosy color. I just can't get up and go outside in the dark. It feels like bootcamp torture and I won't do it. This means I need to get my butt into gear after work. Immediately after work, otherwise I end up gluing myself to the couch. This has been my dilemma. Last week I kicked things off with a hard core 2 hours ass kicking walk which left me REALLY sore in my hips for about 3 days. My aim is to run 4/7 days to start. One day in the middle of the week + Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I feel like this will narrow my chance of failure. I'm taking a new approach on distance. Instead of working my way up to 6 miles, I'm going to chart a course that is 6 miles from the beginning. I won't be able to run the entire thing, but I will be moving for 6 miles and then 6 miles won't be so daunting anymore.

Eventually I'll need to start really working out for the wedding. I think we are planning on joining the YMCA after Christmas. That will make winter workouts so much easier.

More news to come next month!

Inertia

Kamel accused me of having writer's block this weekend and I was totally offended. No I do not have writers block thankyouverymuch!! It's called LAZYNESS, ok? Jeez. It's just so difficult to start, is all. During the week I am busy, although I know I could make the time, and I have made the time in the past, and then the weekends roll around and is it so hard to just want to lay about, watching movies? It is. It is frustrating and lazy, and leaves me with the feeling that I will never ever be anything other than a person who makes money doing things that she doesn't actually give a shit about. Sigh.

Writing is hard. Writing is time consuming and it means you have to sit at home or in a coffee shop, inside, thinking and writing and deleting and writing again. And sometimes it fucking sucks. But then when I say I'm a writer and people ask "oh, where can I see your work?" and I have a few responses, non of which are actually findable, I feel a little stab in my throat. A stab that says, "what are you doing here talking to these people? You should be at home, writing!" And so here I am. Stumbling through two short stories, writing on this blog, reading books by Joan Didion. It only took running up several flights of stairs over and over again this morning, moaning about what I need to do yet being incapable of leaving the couch, roasting garbanzo beans and then taking a shower to get me here, seated, in front of two giant open windows overlooking the beautiful sunshiny San Francisco afternoon, computer open and fingers on the keyboard.

I need to work harder, be less pre-occupied, be more self driven and keep reminding myself that their really is a deadline looming, their really is something to write for, to work for, to reach for. A year after finishing grad school and this whole process is still a bitch.

Month 3

Today marks the completion of my third month being 25. The goal of writing every day has now become more like "let's see what we can do this month", because writing everyday - although awesome the first month, didn't really happen the second or third. But you know what I have done? Finished a short story called "Benz" and submitted it to (3) places. Woo hoo! I haven't submitted anything to anyone anywhere in 2 years! But now I have. And so begins the cycle of rejection. Sigh.

This weekend I bundled up my polka dotted computer and headed out to the land of CoffeeShop with Margaret for a writing date. And that is how productivity happens. I'm going to start doing that more - at least once a weekend. It will be easier once I get my desk back (yeah!! shipping all seattle stuff this weekend!), but even then, I think it's important to escape the house and the television and the internet to get some writing done.

You know what other ideas I've come up with? Maybe, possibly, starting in again on my novel. Oh that's right - maybe even getting it ready to submit to agents (she said with enthusiasm).

With running - it ebbs and flows. I've decided (with some encouraging from kamel) to begin running twice a day on days I have time to do so. I'm hoping it happens at least 2-3 times a week. It will help me look great for my wedding and also push me to improve on distance at an accelerated pace. And being outside makes me happy. I'll let you know how it goes.

Month 2

Today marks the end of my second month being 25 and the beginning of my third. This month has been insane, life altering, exhausting, and also a lot of the same ol same ol thrown in. Right now I am sitting in Maris's living room in Chicago struggling to stay coherent. I don't think I have ever been more exhausted during a period of time where I am not at work, do not have school, and most people would call this a vacation. I think if there was a tired meter I may break it. But back to the whole month 2 thing.

Life has taken me, chewed, and swallowed. My personal goals have been hard to find under all that mess. My accomplishments for this month are a finished chapter one of the new novel. Finished is a funny word when you apply it to writing, because, really that word means nothing. When I say finished I mean there is a story there. It has tension. I am pleased with this and hopefully other people will be too. And I'll be working on it later. I've also started chapter two, but started really means I had one session of writing it and now I'm stuck. The issue is this part starts the bulk of the story - which happens to be set in Maine. My trouble is, I've never been to Maine before, and I'm feeling sheepish about writing about this place I know about only through books. I have a nagging itch in the back of my mind constantly telling me "go to Maine. go for a weekend. get on a plane and go" but then the other part of me is like "yeah, and plan a wedding, and pay your bills, and keep your job" and those things are currently winning. I didn't keep track of how many days I didn't write this month. There were too many and that's shitty of me and I feel guilty. But life was happening, good life things, and stressful life things, and then the normal life things that keep me on my toes, and that's ok. I'm never going to be a writer who stops living in order to inspire others to live, or to create worlds where other people live for me. And maybe that means I'll never be really Great with a capital "G", but maybe I'll be happy. Next month though, meaning this month, I'm back on track. I want to succeed at this art of mine, I want to do what I'm good at, and I need to work harder at it. Fresh start and all that. Reset the counter.

With running I'm doing pretty well. Kamel and I have added wall pushups and sit ups to our mornings and before he headed to mexico and I went to chicago, we were doing a really good job of keeping each other on track and running most mornings. In order to get into wedding shape I also need to stop eating like crap. This begins once I get back to SF tomorrow. But that's more about my constant battle with the 5-10 lbs that seem to creep up on me, and less about my training for an easy six miles. The easy six miles is currently at a moderate three with much less walking between my running spurts and I'm on my way to an uneasy 4 miles.

This next month will bring apartment hunting, prepping for a trip to Seattle, and lord knows what else. I'll keep you posted.

Musings

I'm thanking Margaret LaFleur today for linking me to Everday Genius: Stephen Graham Jones's Modern Love. It's a fabulous seven point short story and I think you should check it out because it works your brain in all different kinds of thoughtfulness. My favorite bit is number 6.

6. The most terrifying moment of the twentieth century has to have been when I walked into the living room one night and sat beside my wife in front of the TV. We watched it together for a while and I didn’t tell her that my love was like a wooly mammoth frozen beneath the tundra, a half-chewed daisy in its teeth, and she didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear, that topiary gardeners dream of a naturally occurring shrub in the form of a horse. Instead I asked her if this was a commercial we were watching, and she shrugged, and we waited it out.

I'm headed off this weekend to hide in the mountains of northen california. An overnight in Yosemite will do me good. I'm taking an old lensed-out canon such and such with me that uses real film and I'm going to capture beauty with my mechanical eye. Probably not true, but let's try anyways, right? And I'm hoping our hotel has free wifi. Writing will happen, attempts at hiking will occur, and hoodies will be worn because apparently it's only about 50 degrees their currently. A far cry from the 90+ the first time I went. Ahh the life of an artist.

Month 1

It has officially - today - been one month of being 25. One month of having cheaper car insurance (not yet realized), one month of being able to rent cheaper cars (who knew?), and one month of steady running and writing (both of those having nothing to do with cars).

When it comes to running I always feel like I should be doing more, I should push myself harder, run more days, etc. Right now I have Kamel as a running buddy and I have to admit I never knew how much fun running with someone could be until now. I was always very adament about running alone (except for those handful of times I ran with Lauren Mig in college and wow I was in shape then). Running, for me, hasn't been about races or running a better paced mile, it's always been about exercise and stress reduction, about personal goals and private reflection. And those things are still there - I force myself up hills, I push myself the extra block, I run a notch faster than I really want to - but now I also have Kamel huffing and puffing beside me as extra motivation. I know he is pushing himself, I know he is forcing his legs to continue on, and that makes it easier for me to do the same. Right now we aim for 5 days a week of running. I think we're averaging about 4, which isn't bad, but of course I want to be better. We run/walk 2.5-3 miles and everyday the walking becomes less. Right now I am running a consistent 1.5 miles and struggle with the next 1.5 but it's happening.

It's slightly embarrassing to admit to the world that running a solid 1.5 miles is a mile stone. I know so many of you are able to pound at 6 like it ain't no thang. I applaud you. I'll get there though. I'm chugging away and I will get there.

I am also proud to say that I have only missed 6 days of writing in one month. 6 days is more than I wanted to miss - I wanted to miss 0, but the truth is my TOTAL days of writing before this month would have been 6 and not the 24 that I have accomplished. I'm going to take this month by month, every time the calendar flips, my new goal will be 0 days of not writing. It's amazing how productive you can be if you just sit down for a minimum of 30 minutes a day and focus.

Sometimes I missed days because I was too busy outside of the house to sit down and write. This is my biggest obstacle. Being a writer who succeeds means having to say "no" a lot more often than I would like. I need to put writing above that last minute social activity or chore, no matter how fun or seemingly important. This makes me difficult and sometimes puts a burden on others, but if I don't look at it like a job, it won't ever be.

As far as my life list goes - as long as we're talking goal making - I'm getting frustrated with the making of lists. I want to start crossing things off of them instead of making them longer. Instead of putting my energy into thinking of new challenges, I want to start taking on those challenges. Coming up in the next few months I will be reading more books by Atwood and Didion, exploring new baseball stadiums (chicago in June!), possibly (Cross your fingers, close your eyes, wish on a star, hopehopehope) working in the writing industry, and possibly possibly (eee!) going to england in the fall. I've started charting a roadtrip between Miami and San Diego for next summer as well (did you know that a one way car rental is RIDICULOUSLY expensive? Anyone have tips for this, please comment!). Once I start accomplishing a few things I'll get back to the list making. Maybe some smaller goals that don't take all of my spare time or all of my (spare) money. In the mean time I'll check in with you next month for a writing/running update. Onward!

The Cut

On Monday night I was working on my daily writing goal and a large portion of my writing for that day consisted of the delete button. I ended up chopping ten pages from my manuscript, a manuscript in it's infancy, which pretty much meant the majority of the project fell to the cutting room floor.

I had been struggling with it all week and finally a conversation I had with my friend, John, pushed me over the edge. From the minute we started talking about my intent for the larger vision of the novel, and the idea of starting somewhere else, I felt the familiar itch in my teeth, my brain, my eyes, to do something. All through our dinner at Chilis (oh yes, Chilis) I was formulating new scenes, new sentences, crafting necessary and seamless flashbacks, visions of sugarplums danced in my head to say the least.

But cutting is really hard. And even as I highlighted whole chunks to slash, Kamel, beside me, was all "no! what are you doing?! I liked that part!".

But I bet you'll like the new stuff better.

While in the process of writing - as in the putting of words on the page - my first instinct is to hold on for as long and as hard as I can to everything I write. It's beautiful! It's exactly what I wanted to say! It's my story! But then I get frustrated, and the feedback is far from glowing, and when I try to fix, my fixes just make the problems bigger and louder and more obnoxious. And then I am ready to cut.

This reminds me of my first apartment in San Francisco. First it was in the garage. Surprise! Garage apartment! And when I took my jeans off at the end of the day and left them on the floor, the next day they were always damp. My room mate had an abusive boyfriend who bruised her and had her screaming and crying on the phone at all hours of the night and then on the good days they would have sex in the shower while I dry-heaved under my covers. And then there were the mice. So so many mice. In the walls, under my bed, in my mattress, under the sink, in traps, not in traps, walking away with the goddamn traps. It got to the point where I slept with the lights on all night to deter the mice from waking me up with their little pitter-pattering, skampering feet.

And then finally, mercifully, I decided to move. Boom, decision made, and within two weeks I was out and living in an apartment with a cat. The exact opposite of mice.

I am a hold-er on. I grit my teeth and close my eyes and smile through the discomfort until I can't anymore. It's the same thing over and over again with boyfriends, friends, apartments, jobs, and writing. Thankfully with writing it doesn't take me 9 months to get my act together (but then sometimes it does). But once I'm ready to let go, it's easy. It feels like dead weight. I hit the delete button and poof! Look at all the space that just opened up! To write, to breath, to create, to move forward.

People talk about doing things (like life lists) as being scary and risky and "taking a leap". That the doing of things is important, necessary, good for the soul. But undoing them is equally important and necessary. The shedding of pounds, of baggage, of empty words that only lead you to dead ends.

Writing Circle

At work this week and last, my three co-workers and I have been circulating an email build-your-own-story game. We each get to write one sentence then we send it to the next person in line. And around and around it goes. I'm about to wave my nerd flag with gusto because this game makes me SO EXCITED! For one, ohmygosh did someone say writing game?! Because usually writing involves me, alone, having intimate moments with my laptop... i mean, what? And for two, the story is delightful! We're already on chapter two but let me give you snippet of the beginning.

It was already springtime, and the absence of Beverly’s petunias was somehow more conspicuous than her own. Normally the flowers bloomed pink and purple along the sidewalk leading up to Beverly’s door. Could it have possibly been the urine, Eunice wondered. No, given the purplish residue on the garden’s grassy perimeter, it could only have been chemical sabotage. Whatever the cause, she was reluctant to leave her perch atop the dresser to investigate; this was a job for Kate.

And let me tell you - it only get's better from there. Three of us are writers, one a math major, but to his credit he is a creative thinker with a decent vocabulary. There are twists and turns, but none of the childish "and they she woke up" busniess. At first I thought it would be a mildly entertaining time suck, but as the game continued and the sentences piled up and we wrapped up chapter one, I started to get really excited about the plot. Nerd excited. There were squeels and clapping and exclamations of "I LOVE THIS!". It's opening up a whole new writing option: the world of collaberation. I would love to do this for real one day, for a project to be published (will this be published? no, but maybe I'll print it out and stick it in a notebook for me to find years from now and giggle over) or even for a screenplay a la Matt Damen and Ben Affleck. I have dreams. I have enthusiasm. I have another sentence to write in my outlook email.

April Writing

I feel like April has been a slow month for blogging. Too much running around and living happening. Or hiding from the world and watching episode after episode of America's Next Top Model. Whichever.

I've been working on my 25th year goals along with my life list goals so my time is being spent all productively and less contemplatively. I'm doing some experimental short fiction work called "Bon Fille" and plugging away at my novel "Maine" (chapter one is nearing completion, the prologue is in the bag!). I'm hoping to get the other short peice I have cooking ,"Benz", sent out into the world for a few May deadlines I'm sure will be returned back to me with a big NO THANK YOU (I'm really pulling for that thank you bit), but it's all in the spirit of try try again.

I got an amazing white and yellow polka dot computer from my parents and grandmother for my birthday (Thank you!) which is going to make my writing so much better, so much happier, so much zestier, I'm just sure of it. And good timing too because this morning as I was still plugging away at my old heave-ho of a clunker laptop, it froze. And then I restarted it and it froze again - this time, just for funsies. I think the fan is headed for a non-whirring grave which means poor Oscar (name of computer) is in over heated hell.

Doesn't that just bring you oodles of joy? I love it. Go Dell for making pretty electronics. Wee!

Shop Talk

I have been temping and writing (thank you to those who have edited my most recent stuff - I appreciate your kindness) and freelance editing. This last bit I have been doing a little less frequently than in Seattle which surprised me at first, but now maybe I have figured it out. Perhaps there are enough artists here that most people can have stuff edited for free by friends and such. I am one of those people after all. I should really be spreading out my business cards more and frequenting hip coffee shops where writers go to frustrate themselves over prose. But I digress.

I am bewildered by something I keep running up against in this editing world of mine. Now - just in case you are curious, or need something looked at, or have a friend who might need some help with the written word, let me explain how it works (at least for me). I get your piece of writing, whatever it is, it could be a book or an essay for school, or a non fiction piece you want to share with your friends. And then I look at it for grammar, word choice, clarity, structure, and I look to make sure you are saying exactly what you meant to say. I suggest where you can expand, explain, or delete sections, I ask you questions that might help you in the writing process. I basically workshop the hell out of your piece but in a more professional manner - without the comments like "haha. He's a dick" I would write in the margins of my classmates stories.

Here is where my distress comes in: They always want me to like their work. And not just like it, they want me to "feel connected" to it. And they want that kind of feedback. They don't understand that it doesn't matter if I like it. And the thing is - it's not like I do or I don't. Some of the stuff I read needs a lot of work, yes. Some of the stuff I read isn't going to be published anywhere and it's not often that the writer even intends that. But it really doesn't matter because this is a job. I edit. I love editing. I don't assign a value to a stranger's work. I don't get invested. I try to make it as clean as I can and then I give it back. I try to explain that, sure, their work is fine but it doesn't actually matter what I think, but they don't want to hear it. They want more. They want me to feel what they are working on. Is this because I'm working with amatuers? It must be. No writer I know pesters their editing friends for positive feedback. That's not why we get things looked at in the first place. I know where I rule. I want to know where things suck.

So I mix in positive with negative feedback, but I was doing that anyway. And I fake it. But it's bothersome to get the pestering emails "What do you think? Do you like my work? Is it good?" It's a school paper on a topic I don't care about. Sure. It's fine.

Kindle Dilemma

To Kindle or not to Kindle? That is the eternal question. I was very stoked about getting one for christmas, esp after seeing maris's and how neat it all seemed. And it's still neat and I will be using it, but not right now. Here is what I think the Kindle is good (great) for: Long plane rides - lots of books in a tiny carrier, travel in general (lots of books in a tiny carrier, hello pool side- just don't get it wet), and the future. Yes. The future. The unfeeling cold, metallic future!



Why the future and not now you say? Well, first - I have a stack of books that are yelling at me to be read. A stack. Of real life page to page with a cover made of paper stack of books. And in my impoverished state I cannot bring myself to spend money on other books. Although - thank you Regina for supplying me with an amazon gift card to wipe away those fears. But even with that money I feel overwhelmed with the amount of reading material demanding my attention. Ok so - this must be the transition phase, no? What every new Kindle owner goes through? The weird inbetween place where I have some old and some new and must finish the old to move on to the new. Except... the Kindle is a little impersonal. Every books looks the same. Every book smells the same. Every book feels the same. This is weird and unfamiliar. And what about the whole bit of walking into a book store and feeling the books? Reading the backs? Reading reviews from book shop people? I know you can do all of this at amazon.com but it's not the same. I don't like clicking on links and trying to navigate the site and not see the handwriting of who wrote what (because I judge reliability based on scroll alone sometimes) and something about the whole process just doesn't seem genuine.

But then again, ipods made music both easier and less hands on. And computers made communication easier and less hands on. But those things have revolutionized the way we live - some would say for the negative but the majority would say for the positive. And maybe we all just need some time to accept the future of books. The other thing is that maybe the publishing industry needs to shake things up a bit. Maybe book sales should be more reader to writer based and the needs for a third party should be diminished. Because although publishers do a great service with editing and marketing a book, they take a large amount of the profits. Could the kindle and the internet reduce those costs? Could they reduce the costs to the consumer - they already do. Like itunes with music, books on the kindle are cheaper. Would this increase readership? If books were easier to carry around and more accessible would more people read? I hope so. Although - the other aspect of books I am sad to see go - my ability to snoop on what other people are reading on the bus. With the Kindle there is no cover art and makes peaking over one's shoulder incredibly awkward.

On Writing

I've been struggling with getting a nice routine down for writing. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before... but it's true. I'll give you all a minute to recover from the shock.

Ok back to topic - I thought that I would graduate and move and then feel this overwhelming compulsion to write and I would schedule my life AROUND writing. And that compulsion is there. But so is the compulsion to go running, do laundry, go drinking with friends, lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling, etc. And to be honest, last week was just not a good week for me as a writer. I felt really really defeated. Knowing me, as I often do (know me, that is), I knew that this was just part of my writer-cycle (As opposed to the lady parts version) and there are whole sections of days where I feel like I know exactly what I'm doing and the genius is flowing and then there are whole sections of days where I am unsure and then a whole OTHER set that says YOU KNOW NOTHING YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WORTHWHILE YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIFE WITH NO AMBITION AND NO TALENT.

Notice how that last bit was all in caps? Yeah, it's really hard to ignore. So when that happens I generally cry, get really frustrated, complain to friends about how i don't know what I'm doing, how I hate this, hate this, hate this, and there is nothing to be done, just NOTHING i tell you. Emphasis on the insistence on complete inactivity to fix anything whatsoever. Fantastic.

Well anyways, the point is - that was last week. And the other part of this whole woe-is-me situation is that I wrote this book? And I haven't let anyone read it? Because I don't feel like I'm finished with it? But it's pretty much my entire grad school experience? And because no one has read it outside of the program (And even then, only one person has seen the entirety) I feel like it kind of doesn't even exist. And even though I was very very adamant about letting the book sit for a while and then returning to it with fresh eyes to get it where I need it, I have this thing where I start doubting my initial decisions as I begin to feel the pressure to perform or produce by well meaning, much loving friends and family. I also have this annoying habit of comparing my artistic life to other people's artistic life as a measurement of where and when I should be. Which really doesn't make any sense at all.

This brings you all up to date for what I wanted to tell you about today. So I'm riding the bus to work and it's all warm and sunshiny out. And I start thinking about my novel. And it just hits me - a major plot change that will affect a lot of the book but will improve it ten-fold just lands in my lap. And it's so shocking that I start grinning like a fool but also wondering WOW why hadn't I thought of this before? And it's so interesting because I feel like young writers get stuck in a rut with plot devices and comfort levels. Certain situations are just comfortable to write about because we know they work, we've seen them work. I was reading a round table article in Newsweek with Toni Collette (United States of Tara), Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory), Sarah Silverman, Jon Cryer (Two & A Half Men), and Amy Poehler about the Emmy's and being comedians and an aspect of what they talked about was writing and performing. And They talked about the completely outdated plot device of an answering machine and hearing a voicemail while doing something related in a funny way (sleeping with another woman while you're girlfriend calls, etc) and how it just doesn't work anymore. Who has an answering machine like that anymore? But yet, even in current movies or shows this device keeps popping up.

And this is relevant to my own work. A character in my book is dying and he is spending the majority of the novel in hospice. But why? Well, because that's where people go to die. But why? Why is that interesting? It feels to me like it makes my life as a writer more difficult because now I have to overcome a boring scenario in an otherwise not all that boring novel, just because "that's what happens." But it's my job to break those molds and not settle for the obvious, and that's the rewarding, incredibly difficult part of being a writer.

So guess what? I was totally right about letting my novel sit and not letting everyone read it right off the bat, because now I have some really fantastic ideas that will break the story open and will have the reader going "oh... interesting..." vs "yeahyeahyeah, so what?". So I'm officially back on the upswing of my cycle. Of course, I'm still not touching my novel until at least november, but I'm gonna jot down these ideas for safe keeping while I keep procrastinating on the short story staring at me on my desktop. I'll keep you posted.

Writerly

I know in my description it says I am a writer but I don't really talk about writing much. I am a writer, in a sense, because I have this blog and I try to look at the world a little differently and I try to express things in writing almost everyday, but I am also a real writer too. Short stories and novels actually. Anybody who is new should probably know that upfront. And the reason I am working at a bakery part time is so I can have more time to focus on writing and not come home completely mentally drained every day. Since I finished grad school about three weeks ago I have been working on a short story tentatively called "B-Ruce". I don't work on it every day but I do try and work on it several times a week and I am always thinking about it. It's been a little more difficult getting into the swing of things what with the moving and the job hunting and the unpacking and just the general transitioning. But I actually am a writer, full time, and although I haven't been talking about it much, it's there. It is always there. And when I get done with this short story I'll put an excerpt up and anyone who is interested can be emailed a copy by requesting one in the comments.

Thanks for the support everyone! Look for more writing updates in the future.