Monday, December 28, 2009


Last night I had a drink with Maris and her law school friend Tina who reads this blog and has a fantastic twitter (tinakarenina) and we were talking about the first blog she ever read of mine. A post from my former blog which, turns out, looks a lot like this one, except much more inappropriate. Ah, memories. Apparently it was really funny. So funny, she said, she had to stealthily close her office door and cover her mouth so as not to draw attention. Maybe this is giving it a little too much build up, but I thought we would revisit it regardless.

Word Play: Penis
Gchat conversation with maris.....

me: hey when you say cock on eyebrow is that how you spell caulk?

Maris: ...cock. on. eyebrow. ?

me: an AN AN

Maris: when you say COCK ON EYEBROW?

me: ANNNNNN. i cocked an eyebrow. is that the way you spell COCK? is that the correct COCK maris??

Maris: hahahaha yes i think so. i personally prefer it when people say dick an eyebrow though.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

The Happiest Time Of The Year

Hello all my pre christmas people. WE SURVIVED IT. Well, most of you. Still hungover? Still have a room filled with boxes, tissue paper, and bags? Still sensitive about that one thing that one family member said? Rude, I know. I understand.

Mine was busy and stressful but nice and full of tradition (TRADITION!) which is about 3/4 the fun anyways. The other 1/4 is of course - FREE STUFF. I know, it's about the spirit of the holidays and not the gifts... yeah right... everyone loves free stuff and everyone loves giving those angsted over gifts to everyone on their to buy for list. It's fun! It's once a year! It's usually accompanied by lots of bad for you food and sedentary time. It's the American Way. Oh the holidays.

I got some good stuff this year. And thank you notes will be finished once I get my christmas cards out. I know. Christmas was a few days ago and still no cards. They are more like "new year" cards anyway, don't you think? It all works out in the end.

Anyways, so I was opening up presents on christmas, la di da, and one of the things I asked for was a new saute pan. My current gem has non stick surface flaking and scratching off. It's been this way for about a year and since
A chemical in Teflon and other cookware serves up more than just food. The US Environmental Protection Agency announced that they have asked the 8 largest manufacturers that use chemicals known as perfluorooctanoic acid, or PFOA, to reduce production by 95 per cent by 2010 and to stop using it completely by 2015 because they have been shown to cause cancer and reproductive problems.
Thanks Internet

I'm pretty sure any lumps, mutated cells, or third arms on my children are a direct cause and effect of cooking and eating scrambled eggs.

So I got a new pan for christmas. YAY!! It has a cushy handle for all your air-flipping-secured-grip needs. And it had this friendly suggestion on the packaging:

It's a great idea really - if consumers could cook whole meals before taking their cookware home, just to make sure it made that pot roast JUST RIGHT. Now that would make their guarantee really mean something. But seriously - how does that work? Try me. What exactly are we trying out? How it feels in my hand? The heft? Is there a button somewhere I should push that sings me a christmas jingle? Or maybe it's just saying "Try me! er... I mean Buy Me! Cuz that way you'll really experience the glory that is Belgique!" In that case don't mind if I do. Thanks Mom and Dad.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

This Life

Remember when I useda post easily once a day? I did. Sometimes twice a day. I filled the internet with my voice. And I was so busy! I worked full time and went to school full time and still had motivation to write and thoughts to share. Now I'm just tired.

It's frustrating. I love my blog. I love my writing. But what is there to say?

The holidays are stressful. Buying gifts and making plans and suddenly my calendar is completely filled up. Plus I'm still working. And all I want to do is sleep. Maybe I'm just biased because it is before 7am. I need to finish my christmas cards. I need to finish a story. I need to finish wrapping. I need to finish a thousand emails that loom in my inbox getting crabbier and crabbier at me.

Last year I had all my christmas cards written by the first week of Dec. Wasn't that nice. Had all my gifts handled by that time too. I miss getting up everyday and getting dressed for the office and singing with traci while I stared at excel for 3 hours filling in budgets. I miss the seagrass carpet.

I am fickle and the grass is always greener.

Last weekend I played jetsetter heading back down to SF for a Lucas holiday party with Kamel. I felt important and looked beautiful. I did for reals. See?

Kamel looked pretty too. When I show people pictures of him they first exclaim "nice teeth!" The other day at work someone told him he had pretty eyes. It's all true. Dressing up is important. It reminds you who you could be if looking like this all the time was required. And then you walk 1/2 a mile in peep-toe-tee-strap three inch heels and remember why tennis shoes and rented movies are the usual.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Winter Guide To Seattle

It's been awfully chilly here and yet claire and I have not been bold enough to turn the heat on. Reason number one: cash moneymoney. Reason number two: Scary floor board coils. Thank god for multiple comforters, sweats, and down. That clarifies that it is, indeed, winter in Seattle. I know the post confused you as it is December and all (it didn't confuse you at all, did it? You were really on top of things, weren't you?), now to my thinking about Seattle guides...

Over thanksgiving I took a nice, brisk stroll all around Seattle one afternoon and documented it on the twitter. Here are some of the goodies:

So i was wandering around taking pictures of things I saw and no matter how effing cold and rainy it gets i do kind of love this city. But I can understand if you're new here why you wouldn't. The thing about seattle - it has a lot of stuff going on, but it's quiet about it. There's interesting, unique bars and coffee shops to go to (like oddfellows , a nice little nook that's both cafe and bar with a nice menu and quiet, relaxed, yet still hip(ster?) ambience), great museums, even better parks, cute neighborhoods, etc. But if you weren't in the know it would be easy to get lost and feel like tehre is NOTHING , NOTHING i say, to do here. So here are five things to look forward to during a seattle winter.

1.) Coffee shops. This city is THE place for them. There are tons and tons and tons of coffee roasters here, with amazingly inviting coffee shops equipped with wooden tables, comfy chairs, and free wifi. If you want Starbucks, they are everywhere, but if you want something different, my personal favorite reading + tea spot is Victrola. The baristas can be snooty, but it's a great place to disappear amongst the other coffee-shoppers and hide behind a laptop or book and people watch the hell out of it.

2) The monorail! It's not just for tourists. It's cheap, get's you from the Seattle Center (Pacific science center? Children's theater? Giant Fountains? Carnival Rides? Science Fiction Museum? Space Needle? EMP?) to downtown in 5 minutes, it comes frequently and has amazing views of the city found no where else, from a point of view seen no where else.

3) Lincoln Park. It's so incredibly underrated. It's huge, first of all, with tons of hidden fields for random frisbee or catch with the dog, pick up soccer/football/baseball games, and some kick ass play structures with a sliding swing, wading pools, etc. Then when you walk down to the beach there are unobstructed Pacific Northwest views of tree covered islands, the cascades, kyakers, the ferry, etc etc. Not to mention whale and bald eagle spotting. Even in the winter this place is Seattle outdoors at it's finest and it's only in West Seattle.

4) Chicago and New York are known for their Pizza and these styles can be found all over the country in some bastardized form or another. But, as I was proclaiming last night at Piecora's on Madison, Seattle has a "Type" of pizza. The places I've seen it repeated and no where else: Olympia's, Pegasus, Bill's Off Broadway, and Spiros. If you haven't been there, you should. Relaxed, good food, warm and inviting. Also - the salads are amazing.

5) To escape the rain: IMAX at the Pacific Science Center. They have normal movies but also really interesting documentaries and other films not playing in your everyday Regal Entertainment theater. To see an up to date list click here:

Ok, ok... so this wasn't a list of awesome bars to go check out. But Seattle is about thinking outside of the box. There are a lot of nice night time places though. Maybe I'll do a bar roundup - divided by taste and style - next time I'm in the travel agent mood.

Stay warm.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Oh The Public

As my co-worker mentioned today: The holidays are great because, although they bring out all the crazies, there are so many of them they don't have time to really... sink in and stay awhile. Now move along, crazy, we have a whole line of neurotic awkward people demanding their baked goods behind you.

I don't think I've really taken the time to showcase what dealing with the public on a daily basis is like here on the 'ol blog. The problem with it is - most of the time it's a "ya had to be there" scenario and it loses a certain je ne sais quoi in the retelling. But ya know, just in case you were curious, I thought I would share a few.

Today there was a guy hell bent on getting a bran muffin. We don't sell muffins. Or bran.
"Hi, I'm looking for... do you have anything like a bran muffin?"
"Oh, no... we don't have anything with bran but we do have these pumpkin trail cookies" (ahh yes, the customer diversion. We don't have that but we do have this... BUY BUY BUY).
"Hmm... well I was really looking for something with bran... something healthy.... like a bran muffin."
"Yeah..... sorry about that."
I really did think he would leave. He also had a starbucks cup in his hand and I thought - dude - they have bran muffins... what the eff? But he stayed and kept stressing over our lack of bran and muffins. He eventually settled on some oatmeal raisin cookies. Almost bran, so there's that. But then upon paying he's still griping about the bran muffins. Yeah buddy, I wish that we had those too (no, not really, I don't actually care).

Anyways, this is a theme. People get really weird about the things they want, the things they expect to be able to buy. And the things they don't like. If we are selling something that doesn't sound appetizing to a customer - a kind of sandwhich, soup, etc - more often than not they make a face when I give them the options or describe something to them, or they actually make a yuck noise. Like BLECCKK or something. I mean really? This is not your mom's house. You don't have to eat what we make you, I'm not forcing you to buy anything, so what's with the attitude? When was the last time you went into a food service place and actually told a server that something you had yet to have was gross? And why does saying that even matter to anything at all? The amount of rudenss or weirdness I experience daily is mind boggling, but now I hardly notice it. If anything I laugh and give a coworker a look and then I forget about. Everybody's weird. Everybody has bad days. I don't take them personally unless it's a customer that is always a certain way and then I just dread serving them. I can't wait to put some of these characters in my writing. It's funny how growing up you assume the majority of the population is a lot like you - until you actually see them, and realize most of them aren't.

Monday, November 23, 2009


So I saw New Moon today.

My favorite part was the wolves and laughing at all the cheesiness. And wow. Velveeta.

Ladies Night

"Aw damnit your eyes were closed. Ok let's try it again... smile!"

"Kathleen! Your eyes are closed again!"
"Well the flash is really bright!"
"Ok one more time."

"Really? I have tiny eyes, maybe they just look small. Lemme see..... oh. No. You're right. Definitely closed. This time I'm gonna keep my eyes closed and then when you tell me I'll open them."

"Alright... one two three... OPEN!"

"Shit. It wasn't fast enough. My bad. One .... more.... time."

"Hahahaha!!! You look like a crazy but they're OPEN!!"
"Please don't put that on facebook."
"I won't. I PROMISE."

Sunday, November 22, 2009


- Sorry I missed your calls. I was sleeping like a hibernating bear.
- But now I am awake and want to play in the snow.

+ Hahaha you are cracking me up.

-Why? Because I am a Polar Bear from Earth? That's how I feel today.

+ As opposed to venus?

- That's your planet. I'm from mars. But the bear is from *earth. ;)

*Disney's Earth


Oh my god it's been forever and I hate when that happens. I am always thinking about things to write here and then I am too tired or work is killing me or I want to read or I get sick or I'm busy having life outside of my computer. This time it was a royal combination.

Now then... I have a theory about swine flu. Well, more like a theory about the vaccine. The very rare, slowly produced, yet highly promised vaccine distributed by the government and your local walgreens.

First of all. The regular flu kills about 36,000 people in the US every year. That's a large number that never makes the news. H1N1 or Swine is just a new and different flu that most people under the age of 45 haven't ever been exposed to before. So it sucks. Because it packs a wallop and it happens to be life threatening in some different ways than the regularly flu, but the one that is the biggy for both - the flu turned pneumonia.

Ok now then, here is my big theory on the scarcity of vaccines. I'm pretty sure the government wants the bulk of its citizens to get swine flu. Why? Because for the majority of us it's a pain in the ass but it naturally builds our immunity. It saves the government a lot of money, makes money for the news channels reporting THE PANDEMIC and gives us all something to talk about during the winter instead of the economy or "happy holidays" vs "merry christmas". So the government pumps out enough vaccine to get those people with asthma and other respiratory issues covered and then lets the rest of us writhe in bed with a chest cough from hell for like... 4 days.... and then we go back to work feeling like heroes because we survived THE SWINE FLU PANDEMIC.

In other words - relax. It's time off to watch movies. If your fever lasts more than 3 days call the doctor. In the meantime cover your mouth and wash your hands. :) And don't wait on the vaccine. It's not coming.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Oh. Hello November. Heh.

Woah there. So. Yes. It's the 12 and my last post was ten days ago. So my apologies on that one. And anyone who I haven't emailed back and said I would, you know who you are. Sorry about that. See I have this job? Right? And this job? It doesn't let me play online like all the other office-y jobs out there. And when I get home? Sometimes I just want to read. You know - books?

Speaking of reading. I started Catcher In The Rye this weekend. Aimlessly reading in a *cough* Starbucks *cough* was a huge wakeup call to how much I fucking LOVE DOING THAT! When did I forget that spending 3 hours in one of those big comfy chairs and every so often scanning the room for crazies while reading half a book was the best thing in the entire world? Well, thank god I've remembered is all I'm saying. Also - I've mentioned Catcher (we're on intimate terms now so I'm allowed to abrev.) to a few people. How I'm reading it and how I never have, weird right? Cuz generally it's one of "those" books you read in highschool? Maybe mine didn't care because it was all girls and we were too busy reading the Bronte sisters and studying for AP tests. I'm just saying. Anyhoos. Everyone I mentioned my current read to was a boy and they all said "wow. what a book. I loved it." "Reason i started writing" or something big like that. I'm paraphrasing. They also mentioned, after a pause, how if they read it nowadays they would think the main character was kind of annoying. People! Dude from Catcher is a douche. He's lonely and stuff but GOD he's so effing whiny. It's still good though. I'm almost done.

Back to why I haven't written. So there was the working and the reading and the whole running a muck actually having a life thing. It's rough. It seems like the beginning of months are always full of a hullabaloo.

Also - I read on the twitter today that in 7 weeks it will be 2010. Wtf? Where did the year go? It feels like yesterday claire and I were down at the sheraton lying around in complimentary bathrobes, eating room service and trying to steam our outfits in the bathroom with the shower running. My family is already pestering me for christmas lists. Where or where has the time gone?

Monday, November 2, 2009

Girls Are Better

At most things, it's true. But really - I think the gender's trade off at what their awesome at. Like women are really great at doing laundry, and cooking dinner, and men are really great at going to work everyday, making money, and doing hard things like math and science. Good think I'm just a writer - something it's alright for women to excel at.

Ok I'm joking. But for reals - yesterday, as I walked from one end of the airport to the other, having already said my own goodbye, I saw couple after couple dealing with separation anxiety. Here's how it went: Guy = hugging, groping, "one more hug?" "one more kiss?", lifting girl up, spinning girl around, basically making the goodbye linger. Girl on the other hand = obliges boy for the most part, but then at a certain point, regardless of which is getting on the plane, is all "Ok, gotta go, I love you, I'll talk to you later." This is me, walking through the airport and actually hearing and seeing this. And I'm thinking wow, yeah, I just did that. It was the "Ok, I've had enough of this crappy goodbye (because all goodbyes are crappy, I'm not making a value judgment here), time to get on with life and stop lamenting" hug and walk away.

So here's my new sweeping generality: Girls are better at goodbyes than boys are. I studied lots of human things with my anth minor in college, and I always wanted to do a study on human behavior in airports (instead I did a study on human behavior involving vending machines... interesting stuff). Things got dicy, though, with the whole 9/11 tragedy and airports have become a place covered in paranoia and red tape.

Anyways - this was just one day and one observation of several couples at 7pm on a sunday in seattle. And is completely subject to what I deem to be a preferable goodbye, but my verdict is girls rule. As per my usual mindset. I wonder how other people like their goodbyes? I like mine short and sweet. I'm a walk-you-to-the-security-checkpoint kind of person, hug, and walk away. But do other people stand and wave? Wait until the last minute they can see someone? Are other people the drop off, kick you to the curb enthusiasts? Without even parking? Where does the majority fit?

Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween 2009

I really don't even want to write about it. I feel like everyone is and everyone talks about it and that's all everyone everywhere is talking about. What are you going to be? What are your plans? Happy Halloween. Halloween. Halloween. Halloween. Puke.

Number one: I love candy (YAY CANDY!!)
Number two: I fucking hate dressing up.
Number three: I'm annoyed by everyone doing sexy blahblahblah. Be a crayon or something. I'm grouchy about this topic.
Number four: I can sometimes be a complete hypocrite.

Last year my Halloween started out like this:

Turned into me dressing up like a pinup. Talk about big hair:

What you can't really see are my lacy underpants over my tights and my huge tan colored heels. Yeah. I know, right?

And then the next morning I looked like this:

The tangles in my hair lasted for days. That's what teasing gets you.

The bottom line is: Where would we be today without my obsessive photo documentation? Bored with nothing to say, that's where.

This year I'm absolutely not dressing up, can't make me won't do it. I'm chaperoning my 10 yr old cousin while she gathers the goods, then I'm going home to watch the exorcist and give myself bad dreams for weeks with the boyfriend. Thing to know: my cousin doesn't like snickers .... MONEY!!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Boondock Saints II

Holy Mother of God. YAY!!!

So I was scanning the internets just now and saw that YES INDEED - Boondock Saints, the sequel, part two, whatever, is coming out! Or came out... or something. Apparently there has been hubub about where and when the movie will be showing. So who knows if I'll ever be in the know enough to ever catch it in theaters. But let me tell you - Boondock saints, the original - is so one of my favorite movies of all time. And NOT just because it was really cool to say it was back in 2003. No sir. I remember exactly where I originally saw it. It was Kathleen's basement with a bunch of other people (boys included) senior year of high school. It was a movie that someone had said was AMAZING and we were all yeah yeah yeah whatever. But then... it WAS. And after that I went to college and educated many a student on how awesome this movie is. Later I found out the reason it wasn't an amazing blockbuster hit was due to its way over the top violence and how the production of it was right around 9/11 when that sort of thing was being frowned upon I guess. Apparently I am an unfeeling whore, by we already knew that. :)

I'm not sure if the sequel will suck or not. Sequels, in general, are not the most thoughtful of artistic ventures. But I'll definitely go see it if I can figure out when/where its playing. And then I'll let you know what I think.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

You Are My Candy Beard

Plus duh... I can't even begin to SPEAK about how much I love firefly and Nathan Fillion.

The Bold and The Beautiful

I have a flaw. Probably many, but today I'm just going to highlight one so as not overwhelm you completely. So here goes: I like pretty things. That includes people. I mean sure, I do have the ability to look "deep within" but mostly I judge purely on what's on the outside. (please take this with a grain of salt and don't hate me later, I'm sensitive.) So that's the back-backstory.

The regular back story is that all yesterday my coworker and I were discussing how effing FABULOUS Phoebe Snow is. She is this totally sexy R&B singer (And I do mean R&B and none of this Beyonce hullabaloo) from the late 70s early 80s. Her voice is amazing. It makes me want to take off all my clothes and lie on a bearskin rug in front of a fire. For reals. You want a romantic evening? Break out some greatest hits. The only picture we knew of was her album cover:

Check out that amazing fro and that kick ass beauty mark? I mean hello - It's like I totally want to be her for halloween that's how much I love her. And that's a lot. But coworker and I were not satisfied. We wanted to know more. I had only heard her greatest hits album - playing through my parents stereo in my living room while we washed the dishes and danced on the little circle rug - and that's the album we had at work too. But where did all these hits come from? And more importantly - what did pheobe snow REALLY look like? We imagined deliciously curvy. Like a young, much much thinner Aretha (Sans bow hats)... something like this: Hypothesized Image of Pheobe Snow in the Likeness of a Young, Thin Aretha. There was investigating to be done. There were google image searches that needed filling out and clicking. It was going to be a very simple task.

But then.... but then I got really disappointed. I'm not gonna lie - there were some gasps. And I think I even covered my mouth at one point, because the pictures I unearthed should have stayed earthed. Sometimes google tells me things I really wish I didn't know. But now that I DO KNOW, I feel compelled to share with the world. This is Pheobe Snow.

I'm not saying the lady is hideous. I'm just saying - she is definitely NOT the diva I imagined. And this is a giant let down. The sad part is - maybe that's why she wasn't long lasting for the entertainment world (As claire put it - "Who is Phoebe Snow?"), as image obsessed as it is (ahem, present company included). And just to prove to you that it wasn't necessarily old age that did her in, and to also show you her amazing vocals, here is a video of her singing in 1977 - right at the upswing of her career (her greatest hits end in 1981).

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Paranormal In-Activity

All weekend I haven't been able to stop thinking about Paranormal Activity but ya know what? I haven't even seen it. The BF did. He went to a screening at Pixar because he is extra special and knows all the right people. Apparently they have shooting stars on their movie theater ceiling. But that is neither here nor there. Anyways... So Paranormal. He started to tell me about it that night but I was alone in the apartment since claire is off at a wedding in Portland and I made him stop cuz it was too spooky. The next morning, though, I was all tell tell tell. I figured it was light out and I had a whole day ahead of me so I was good, right?

Well the telling of it took a long time because of all the ins and outs and twists and turns so by the time it was all done i was running let and yelling through the phone, "FINISH IT! FINISH IT!" all mortal combat style. So finally I got the full gist and I'm off to take a shower. A little spooked, I can't deny it. But i'm still pretty much alright. No one's home but it's 845 and really, what's scary about 845 besides that I wasn't a sleep? So I jump in the shower (claw foot tub, what what?!) and i start to wash my face and I have a complete spazz out. I'm all hurry hurry wash wash wash rinse rinse rinse because if I keep my eyes closed for too long there is going to be a DEMON waiting for me on the other side of my flower shower curtain. I knew it. I just KNEW it. So I rinsed furiously and then I was thinking, oh no.... do I really want to open my eyes and see it?? Maybe it's better to just keep them closed so I'll never know. The heebie jeebies got the best of me and it may have been the fastest shower I have ever taken. All because the BF told me about a scary movie. A scary movie I haven't seen and probably never will. But you should. Because you probably love that stuff don't you?

So the other funny thing is that BF is having a hard time sleeping now. He can't decide if he can handle having the bedroom door open or closed or the hallway light on or off. It's the boogieman dilemma. Thank fully I'm sleeping just fine... it's just the showers that are causing me concern. But really, how is that much different than usual?

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Ladies Who Lunch

I had a luncheon with my grandmother, great aunt, god mother, mother, aunt, and cousin today. It was kind of awesome. I wish we had taken a group photo. I slacked on that end. I'll share my favorite parts though.

The first thing my grandmother says to me when we get out of the car to walk to the restaurant is: "Are you wearing your hair straight nowadays? I always thought it had a bit of curl in it." And my response, "It's just the cold weather, give me a little humidity and it'll perk right back up."

My amazing ten year old cousin pointedly bee lining right for me and completely bypassing my mother. I totally win the who loves me more war. Ca-ching.

Everyone got the soup and salad combo. It was order by peer pressure. Everyone was up in arms. "Why just a salad? A SALAD?!" I explained it was to keep my figure. Everyone agreed they couldn't find theirs anywhere. I want to hug them all.

My mother and my grandmother arguing over who paid the bill at the olive garden. They each threw a little fit. The women in my family are all so crazy. Present company included.

My grandmother's parting remarks of "Don't get too skinny!!" Bless her.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


One of my most favorite days ever happened only a few months ago. A four hour drive to Yosemite on a total scorcher with Kamel. I was half drugged on benadryl and he had to practically drag me to the car, and it was an 8 hour round trip drive, but it was spectacular. It was a beautiful day, a beautiful park with spectacular natural wonders (i really recommend a visit), but also - this is where I realized I loved Kamel. I had just come back from doing my initial move into my apartment in seattle, I flew back to San Francisco and the next day we piled into the car for an adventure.

There are lots of pictures but only a few videos. And the other day I found it again and I had forgotten how well it captures the day. It's short, and not incredibly interesting. But there is something really sweet and honest about it, something that gives me the warm and fuzzies. Just me in the river while Kamel films on his iphone and you can hear a family up aways splash and play. Enjoy.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


I currently do not have a desk. I am a writer without a writer retreat. I live on my bed and so forth. I do a lot of free hand but when it comes down to it - I have mastered the art of lap-topping. As a verb. In order to prevent laptop from over heating on my comforter I have perfected various hand maneuvers as well as sitting positions that keep one side of my laptop vented. This becomes difficult while skyping, watching movies, or doing anything long term on the laptop. The thing gets heavy, I get uncomfortable, I get lazy, it overheats then freezes and I lose all my work. My life is interrupted.

To be totally fair I think Kamel got sick of dealing with my laptop on his visits. I knew something was brewing when he offered to untangle all of my cords. A pile I generally ignore on one side of my bed. I'm all "sure!" and he's all excited and something about this situation seems wrong. Also we had watched some DVDs and had to take turns holding the damn thing while our hands got crampy and hot. Then on monday I went to work and left the boyfriend to his own devices. He met me around quittin time with a giant giant bag I just briefly glimpsed as he whizzed by me. He said he had gotten me a present.

God I love presents.

Anyways... he said it was just a little thing - nothing too special - and right then i knew it was one of those laptop lap desk thingies!! And in fact it was. From Brookstone of all places. Fancy. It looks like this:

except mine has an orange pillow and it's a little poofier in real life. But SO AWESOME. And SO comfy. Comfy to the point of WANTING it on me. It's really plush, but also has this nice weight. Like a warm cat napping on you or something. The kind of cat that's friendly and purrs in a delicious way. Not the kind that suddenly swipes at your head and then runs and hides under your bed for hours. Not that kind.

I'm not a huge gadget person. I have an ipod, and a cell phone, and my laptop is three years old and whatever. I just make due. I don't need the latest and greatest. But this laptop desk thingy... even though it's not new technology... is making me life SO much better. Yay! Thanks Kamel! You done good.

And just in case you didn't believe me about the GIANT bag part of this story. When we got home I showed it to claire and of course her first response was "That bag is HUGE! GET IN IT!" And I'm easily persuaded. So I did.

What you can't see is how many shots it took to finally get a solid array. Also Claire reminding me "Hold still, hold still BUT DON'T BREATH IN!" And then when Kamel came back into the room she points out, "We're doing things we're not supposed to... playing with giant plastic bags." And we were. We so so were.

Friday, October 16, 2009


Top ten things not to do while sick

10.) Tell boss at food service establishment you are sick. You will most likely be sent home. No moneys for you!

9.) Do not take sudafed and then decide it will be nice to go for a walk. You will be drooling and shuffling your feet back home in a druggy haze in no time!

8.) Eat greasy bar food and/or boxes of candy. They don't digest well and will probably end up coming back up or causing you one AWFUL night in the least.

7.) Go running. It's ok to take a day off. Otherwise, you may pass out.

6.) Do anything that has your head tilted down for long periods of time. The snot just leaks, people. It just leaks.

5.) Go anywhere, participate in, do anything involving a large room filled with rows of chairs where the temperature is turned up. Gross.

4.) Do laundry. I dunno what it is, but there is something with the hefting and the sorting and the heat and the folding plus putting away that just makes me want to die.

3.) Pack for a long long vacation. Packing always sucks. Pay someone to do it for you when you're sick.

2.) Wear real pants. If you can get away with not wearing pants at all, for days on end, why would you?

and the number one thing NOT TO DO when you're sick is....

1.) EAT SUSHI. It will make you WANT TO DIE later. For reals. Sage advice here people. SAGE ADVICE.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Let's play a game. It's called what the eff is lauren eating? Go!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Generally Speaking

Usually I can find a million things to write about it here. Most of the time I'm having adventures without even realizing I am until I get home and go "woah! can you believe what happened today?!" all in lower case too - shocking. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is - although I am incredibly happy with my life at the moment (seattle, boyfriend, friends, family, lifestyle, you name it), there is one little thing that is really driving me nuts - I never DO anything INTERESTING.

Things I could write about (things I've actually CONSIDERED writing about):

- How my portable closet kept collapsing and spilling my clothes everywhere and so I finally bought a new one from target and it's currently sitting in the hallway still in the box waiting for me to put it together.
- My freelance editing life.
- Being tired.
- Old People and how sometimes when they come into work and they are really sick or just really old and feeble i have a hard time (literally) not bursting into tears right there at the counter while they order their danish because what I'm looking at? Is death. Right in the face. And it really gets me.

I like a good routine. I like knowing when I'm going to work and when I can have my days off and when I can schedule doing laundry and going running. But what happened to the fun stuff? Everyone just sits in their routines and the best they can come up with is TV night on Wednesdays and the occasional happy hour. I thought moving back to seattle would give me a little social diversity since I know so many people and they all can't be busy and boring at the same time, right? Except they kind of are, or they just don't want to play with me. And I'm right there with them. Because what can I write about? Old People. Right.

Anyways. So generally speaking, I can usually turn any situation into something interesting to talk about. But right now, I can't. So instead I'm going to try to drum up some adventure. Somewhere. Hello? Are you out there? So that all my readers don't fall off the face of the earth and at the same time I don't bore anyone to death. New goal: Don't bore people.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


Sometimes I just can't sleep. And I know this happens to LOTS of you. Thank god for facebook and blogs right? For reals. Anyways... I made a list of possible little to unknown factoids about this state of being.

1.) It takes way too long to realize wow, I can't sleep. There is the tossing and then there is the turning and I dunno about you - but I am stubborn, convinced that at any point now, blam! sleep will come. It won't. But no matter, I'm still going to lie here with my eyes closed while my mind races in tens of thousands of different directions that I will trick myself into thinking are "dreams". No good.

2.) Getting up to pee sometimes helps. Not today, but I'm saying, there are times.

3.) Insomnia makes you hungry.

4.) It's also lonely. Unless you can find the random stray who is also online and then you have the whole "what are you doing awake?" "well what are YOU doing awake?" conversation.

5.) Just because you're awake doesn't mean you're not tired.

6.) The memory of those nights where you are asleep the minute you hit the pillow taunts you. Especially when there is no possible position of comfort.

7.) It's these times where I'm kicking myself about possibly going to sleep later. Sometimes being too tired and going to bed too early bites you right in the ass.

I'm trying to make these like "oh, you're right, I've never thought of that" and slightly funny. But I think they're just coming out lame. I can't tell because I'm in that in between zone of not really knowing if I'm going to think this is entertaining in the morning. I wish I was one of those people who became incredibly productive at 2 in the morning. I'd make millions. Instead I'm just lying here refreshing twitter. Fun.

Friday, October 9, 2009


The last few weeks - dare I say a month? - I have become well acquainted with the sunrise. I've been waking up at 6am and out the door for a run by 620. At that time it's dark. Really really nighttime holyfuckwhyamIawake dark. And the trees cast weird shadows in the streetlights and everything is spooky. I do a lot of flinching for no reason. But then the sky starts to turn this light blue and I can see the cracks in the cement better and I, along with the rest of the world, start to feel a little more human.

The best thing about getting a work out in really early is that at least 1/3 of time spent running, I have no recollection of. It's like when you are driving and you space out for a bit and then all of a sudden you're almost there. It's a little spooky but it's kind of nice too. With running - it's fantastic. And then I'm at work hours and hours later and I suddenly remember - hey! I worked out today. And it's like another pat on the back.

So anyways - I'm running and the sky is this bright light blue. Like someone is shining a flashlight through a piece of colored tissue paper. And by the time I get home there are birds and people getting their kids ready for school, and other people walking dogs. But the best part is when I make it back up to the apartment and I roll out claire's yoga mat that she is letting me use and I face my east-sided window and while I stretch the sky turns pink! and orange! and look there is a plane and it's exhaust is a streak of highlighter. And yes, I know that's because of the pollution in the air, blahblahblah but it's beautiful! And I'm sweating and trying to loosen my hamstrings so I can go and stand for 9 hours at work and the tree tops are back lit and I wish I could take a picture but I know it's no use because there is something about replicating this that never ever ever comes out quite right.

Lately I've been feeling rather intimate about sunrises.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Things, October

I had a physical on Tuesday. This seems normal enough. It took a long time because my doctor is rather thorough. I like to believe she is just incredibly interested in my life but I'm pretty sure she is giving me a wellness psych eval. Either way - she's chatty and enthusiastic. My type of healthcare professional. Anyways - so a physical. Right. Other than having to try NOT TO GIGGLE during my pap (yeah, we're talking smeeaaarrr here) the whole thing went super smooth. But at the end, when nothing happened, no lumps or bumps or nasty moles were found - something about the situation seemed rather odd. I know you're supposed to have nothing wrong with you, but it just seems stupid for me to even go in the first place. I could have told you nothing was wrong, but to verify I had a busy lady who touches a lot of regular sick people poking and prodding and inserting and poking some more just to be like "yup, you're healthy!" I know physicals are preventative. And I'm all for that. But I also think our society is obsessed with healthcare and tests and cures. It is our survival after all. But I'm 24 and I have no complaints so what am i really doing?

I've been wearing tights leggings a lot lately. I got snipped at by an H&M salesperson for calling them tights so... I'm trying to amend my ways. I remember then I first say someone wearing them without a skirt. I was in Illinois and it was the middle of winter and my first thought was WOAH she looks TOTALLY NAKED. I mean - it was Illinois - where I would routinely have to walk to class in below zero weather. And here's this girl prancing around in very thin, stretchy sweat pants (basically). So I was shocked. I've gotten over this but it's taken me about three years? This was my first outing:

It was like wearing PAJAMAS! In PUBLIC! I was hooked! I've been wearing them to work. So warm and cozy. Plus I'm out of jeans. But that's my most recent fashion stretch... haha... get it? Ok nevermind...

I'm silently (well not anymore) fascinated about how fast or slow toilet paper runs out. I know this is weird. But I AM! Ok so I bought a big pack when I first moved to seattle and it JUST RAN OUT over two months later. Seriously - it just happened - this morning!! I know this has to do with how much claire and I go to the bathroom and how often we are home and blahblah but I choose to ignore most of that science and focus on the magic of not knowing how long we can go without having to buy a new pack. And apparently? In this apartment? It's over TWO MONTHS. Fan-fucking-tastic. :)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Echo Echo Echo

Wow. It's been a while. Sorry about that. Things have been... exhausting. I've been running around like a crazy at work and then getting home and crawling into a fetal position in bed while my feet throb. But there is something satisfying about a crazy busy day in the service industry. It's a type of physical exhaustion that lets me know i actually did something today.

Also - I totally scrapped the story I was working on and started it all over again. This time I like it much better. So that's where I am with writing. The starting point was nagging at me, and I just kept thinking it was all wrong until I finally listened to myself and started writing it again. I felt relief.

I have a physical today (joy) and some emails to write to people (john!) but I promise there won't be such a long lag in posts anymore. Right when I was getting a nice comfy reader base I go and disappear. What a dummy. A sleepy, feet throbbing, busy bee dummy. Sigh.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Sail Away

So I went on a boat today. A sail boat. A sail boat my friend Bill, an avid reader of this blog, lives on. I found out living on a boat = a lot like camping = i prefer yachts I think. But anyways, being on a boat? Awesome. I only took one picture because I was too busy enjoying the amazing amazing (for the third time) amazing beauty of the greater Seattle water, mountains, trees, porpoise (which came SO CLOSE i could hear them BREATHE), schools of little fish, jelly fish, other really cool boats, oh and catching up with my "livin the dream" friend Bill. So here is proof that I was on a boat:
Check out that steering wheel will you? Hellz yeah. SAIL BOAT.

Another great thing about being on a boat? My boat outfit:

I know right? Oh the things I enjoy most. :) Thanks Bill for an amazing time out on the "seas". I really am going to drag you out in the rain just to enjoy the romance of it all. Sigh.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Boyfriends Make You Fat

About a year ago while I was driving to work in the morning, listening to my morning radio shows, I heard a segment about dating and how people gain weight while in a relationship and lose weight while single. And let me tell you - no truer words were ever spoken. Below is a picture of Kamel and I at the fair.

We ate scones, corn dogs, fries, and chocolate chip cookies. That was just during the 5 hours we were there. We did do a lot of walking at the fair itself, but generally we just sort of hung out, watched movies, ate food, etc. Then Kamel went back to San Francisco for a few days and I went back to running and eating right, fighting the urge to eat everything in the display case at work. But then three days later he came back and we were back to eating out for every meal, telling eachother it was ok because "hey! this is vacation!!" but when does the vacation end? We had planned two fairly intense walks, but those never happened - instead we had dessert at almost every meal and made muffins, then ate too many and collapsed in bed propped up on pillows because the weight of lemon poppyseed cake was sitting in our throats - no room left in the tummy.

Having a boyfriend makes you fat. You eat out more, you go to movies, buy candy, go out to dinner, split the sundae. You have a buddy to get drinks with, to share the bottle of champagne with, and someone to enable your bad behavior and to tell you "you're beautiful just the way you are" so what's one more cookie/piece of cake/basket of fries? Until a month goes by and you can't fit into your pants anymore. The muffin top isn't that attractive when it's pouring out of your jeans and not spilling deliciously out of the muffin tin, all warm and tempting.

So now instead of encouraging each other to have another slice, we're waking up early to workout before starting our days, abolishing all desserts, and eating smaller portions. It's not as indulgent but it's turning out to be just as fun. When he tells me he's done 30 pushups it makes me want to do 10 more. When he wakes up early to go for an hour walk, it propels me out of bed to go running. Part of it's my competitive nature. I generally want to win at everything. But it's also having a buddy to do things with, regardless of the activity. Besides, being the hot couple is so much more fun than being the cinnamon roll couple with frosting on our faces.

Well actually that does sound kind of delicious....

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Fashion: Rain Boots

In a way I have always envied/scoffed at the rain boot. Sometimes they look stupid but then other times they look really cute and beyond that they keep your flats and your jeans DRY when it's pouring down rain. Last time I lived in Seattle I had to greatly limit the shoes I wore to work or out and about because my feet always got wet and my jeans always got wet and then they were wet the WHOLE DAY and I hate hate hated it. So this time around, the first thing on my to-do list was buy boots.

But then I forgot.

So a few weekends ago when it was down pouring for two days I was cursing myself for not having my boots. It really sounded more like this, "Uggghhh!! CLAIIIRREEE!! I should have bought booooooooooots!!" In the whiniest voice possible. Attractive. So on that sunday Claire and I trekked out to target where I had done my online research and found out they had BILLIONS of boots in different styles and shapes all for around $24.99. So of course I was like Uber Excited right? I'm pretty sure there was an "I'm going to Tar-get to get me some Boo-oots" dance, but it cannot be confirmed. Anyhoos - we get to target and I beeline to the shoes section and there are - get this - NO BOOTS TO BE FOUND. When I ask a sales person to point me in the right direction she says "oh we already have our next season stuff in, and we aren't carrying them anymore."

So let me get this straight... Target believes that in seattle the season for rain boots is..... SUMMER?! Am I in the twilight zone? Has the world turned upside down? Topsy Turvey? I am both incredibly annoyed and disappointed. What the eff, Target. Way to let a girl down. So we drove home bootless and I jumped right back on my computer to order them online, aggravated that I couldn't have immediate gratification AND that I have to now pay for shipping. But I wasn't kidding about the selection. Check out THESE BEAUTIES at I know right? So I ordered a pair that Claire pronounced had a design that was "Freakin poetry on a boot." Basically - just emo enough. And the next time it even DRIZZLED outside I was racing to my closet just to put them on and go run outside for 5 minutes.

They work marvelously.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

On Writing

I've been struggling with getting a nice routine down for writing. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before... but it's true. I'll give you all a minute to recover from the shock.

Ok back to topic - I thought that I would graduate and move and then feel this overwhelming compulsion to write and I would schedule my life AROUND writing. And that compulsion is there. But so is the compulsion to go running, do laundry, go drinking with friends, lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling, etc. And to be honest, last week was just not a good week for me as a writer. I felt really really defeated. Knowing me, as I often do (know me, that is), I knew that this was just part of my writer-cycle (As opposed to the lady parts version) and there are whole sections of days where I feel like I know exactly what I'm doing and the genius is flowing and then there are whole sections of days where I am unsure and then a whole OTHER set that says YOU KNOW NOTHING YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WORTHWHILE YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIFE WITH NO AMBITION AND NO TALENT.

Notice how that last bit was all in caps? Yeah, it's really hard to ignore. So when that happens I generally cry, get really frustrated, complain to friends about how i don't know what I'm doing, how I hate this, hate this, hate this, and there is nothing to be done, just NOTHING i tell you. Emphasis on the insistence on complete inactivity to fix anything whatsoever. Fantastic.

Well anyways, the point is - that was last week. And the other part of this whole woe-is-me situation is that I wrote this book? And I haven't let anyone read it? Because I don't feel like I'm finished with it? But it's pretty much my entire grad school experience? And because no one has read it outside of the program (And even then, only one person has seen the entirety) I feel like it kind of doesn't even exist. And even though I was very very adamant about letting the book sit for a while and then returning to it with fresh eyes to get it where I need it, I have this thing where I start doubting my initial decisions as I begin to feel the pressure to perform or produce by well meaning, much loving friends and family. I also have this annoying habit of comparing my artistic life to other people's artistic life as a measurement of where and when I should be. Which really doesn't make any sense at all.

This brings you all up to date for what I wanted to tell you about today. So I'm riding the bus to work and it's all warm and sunshiny out. And I start thinking about my novel. And it just hits me - a major plot change that will affect a lot of the book but will improve it ten-fold just lands in my lap. And it's so shocking that I start grinning like a fool but also wondering WOW why hadn't I thought of this before? And it's so interesting because I feel like young writers get stuck in a rut with plot devices and comfort levels. Certain situations are just comfortable to write about because we know they work, we've seen them work. I was reading a round table article in Newsweek with Toni Collette (United States of Tara), Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory), Sarah Silverman, Jon Cryer (Two & A Half Men), and Amy Poehler about the Emmy's and being comedians and an aspect of what they talked about was writing and performing. And They talked about the completely outdated plot device of an answering machine and hearing a voicemail while doing something related in a funny way (sleeping with another woman while you're girlfriend calls, etc) and how it just doesn't work anymore. Who has an answering machine like that anymore? But yet, even in current movies or shows this device keeps popping up.

And this is relevant to my own work. A character in my book is dying and he is spending the majority of the novel in hospice. But why? Well, because that's where people go to die. But why? Why is that interesting? It feels to me like it makes my life as a writer more difficult because now I have to overcome a boring scenario in an otherwise not all that boring novel, just because "that's what happens." But it's my job to break those molds and not settle for the obvious, and that's the rewarding, incredibly difficult part of being a writer.

So guess what? I was totally right about letting my novel sit and not letting everyone read it right off the bat, because now I have some really fantastic ideas that will break the story open and will have the reader going "oh... interesting..." vs "yeahyeahyeah, so what?". So I'm officially back on the upswing of my cycle. Of course, I'm still not touching my novel until at least november, but I'm gonna jot down these ideas for safe keeping while I keep procrastinating on the short story staring at me on my desktop. I'll keep you posted.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Fashion: Jewelery

Oh my gosh! One of my favorite jewelery designers (Corky) has some new stuff up at Supermarket! My favorite at the moment is this adorable little monster necklace for $25.00.

Awww. I want. :) Go check out more of his collection here: and support the artist directly!! :)

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Bath Time Fun 8

And Lauren is on the board!!

I'm not gonna lie - I totally screamed when it had been confirmed. YAAAY!!!! We are now tied 1-1.


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

What Recession?

I found proof this morning that the recession is still in full swing. As I was sitting on the toilet, having my morning pee, I realized the toilet paper had run out so i reached behind me to where the stash is kept and pulled out another roll. Literally smack dab on the toilet paper was a coupon.

I mean, really... what kind of savings can be found inside a toilet paper roll? And is this supposed to be some sort of joyful find? Generally when I'm sitting on the toilet I'm not really thinking about the savings I could have if only I had access to a coupon. Is this a new form of gorilla marketing? Wipe your butt only to find... advertisement! That last line quite possibly gave some of you an unwanted visual, and i do apologize, but really? A coupon?! Stuck directly to the toilet paper roll? Who thoughtthat was a good idea? And why?!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Right now I am eating left over squash from the amazing polenta dinner I made for claire and kamel while he was in town this weekend. Mmm... my own leftovers are kind of a novelty because when do I ever cook for more than just one person? For reals. But really - god what a time saver when you get home from work and it's dark out. Sigh. Leftovers. Who knew? Probably all of a middle america. That's who. Hello out there.

Anyways. So. The weekend. I was MIA because I was entertaining and playing a lot of snood. Remember snood?? I think instead of writing I'll become a professional snood player, on a constant quest to meet that high score i had that one time and will never again achieve. It won't be a fulfilling life, no, but it will come with some friggin sweet sound effects.

I went to the Puyallup fair (actually the Western Washington Fair... so it was a biggy) and I haven't gone in 6 years!! And I finally went!! And I brought Kamel and we took pictures of (as Kamel kept saying) "America". Cuz it really was with all the blue ribbons and designs made out of vegetables. And COWS! Oh the cute cows - all manicured and clean w/o poop smeared all over their butts. I got to pet one. It made my day. It's name was Peggy. Seriously - when I was a kid it was the rides that had me running to the fair, but now it's totally all the crazy people that come out and dress in flag muscles shirts... and the animals. I love the animals. But dude - I don't think I've ever seen more pregnant women in one place before in all my LIFE. It was like an epidemic. And pregnant teens. Now that's wholesome american fun for ya. Dropping out of high school to have a baby and live with your baby's daddy who may or may not have an actual job or a high school education. Weird.

Anyways... what else? I'm starting to work a lot. Wee! Which means everything is finally falling into place. Wee! I'm getting fatter though. Which is a bummer. So from now on I'll be much more diligent about working out regularly and eating well. It's hard to do when you work in a bakery and the baker is always making you things. Special. Just for you. Don't you want one? No? You work in a bakery. What's wrong with you? You don't want a giant piece of cake? Well how will you know how to sell it then? I'll cut you a small piece. There ya go, honey. Eat up. Nomnomnom.

Friday, September 11, 2009


I know in my description it says I am a writer but I don't really talk about writing much. I am a writer, in a sense, because I have this blog and I try to look at the world a little differently and I try to express things in writing almost everyday, but I am also a real writer too. Short stories and novels actually. Anybody who is new should probably know that upfront. And the reason I am working at a bakery part time is so I can have more time to focus on writing and not come home completely mentally drained every day. Since I finished grad school about three weeks ago I have been working on a short story tentatively called "B-Ruce". I don't work on it every day but I do try and work on it several times a week and I am always thinking about it. It's been a little more difficult getting into the swing of things what with the moving and the job hunting and the unpacking and just the general transitioning. But I actually am a writer, full time, and although I haven't been talking about it much, it's there. It is always there. And when I get done with this short story I'll put an excerpt up and anyone who is interested can be emailed a copy by requesting one in the comments.

Thanks for the support everyone! Look for more writing updates in the future.

Bath Time Fun 7

Obviously I suck at this game. And claire is only mildly better. It was a grizzly bear.

Fucking Squirrel.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

What The Fuck Moment

Alright ladies and gentlemen. It is now time for me to give you my what the FUCK moment of the week.

Last night I had an amazing happy hour with Tricia and then later in the evening met Kaitlyn downtown at Purple for a few glasses of wine and a few hours of non stop chatting. By the end of the evening i was glowing in the awesomeness of my friends. AWESOMENESS. Anyhoos.... So the evening is winding down with Kaitlyn when this banker looking wanker (i love when i get the chance to rhyme) walks in and as he passes behind the two of us asks

"So what's good in here?" and even though we were totally rudely interrupted we both kind of shrug, say we don't know then say "uhh, wine." He proceeds to sit down next to me. Word to the wise... DO NOT ENGAGE - DO NOT.

Did I mention that Kaitlyn was wearing a SMOKING HOT drapy sweater dress like you see in the movies, and some kick ass heels? Hot-ness. Me on the other hand - jeans, grey tank, black tshirt with my orange shruggy thing, plus black flats. Hair in a pony tail. Not exactly my come-hither attire is all I'm saying. But dude is next to me. Great.

And turns to me and asks, "Does it smell like steak in here?" And we both reply "umm, no not really." And he goes.... "Oh maybe it's you."

AND THEN HE SNIFFS ME. At my shoulder and my neck. Let me repeat that... dude motherfucking SNIFFS ME. Then comes to the conclusion that "Heh... you smell like steak."

Without batting an eyelash i reply, "Yeah i get that a lot." And then he SNIFFS AGAIN and says "And oregano." To which I reply, "Well I am Italian."

This entire time I am trying to shoulder him out of my conversation with Kaitlyn by completely turning my back to him. Apparently my "get the fuck away" stance isn't working. So Kaitlyn and I promptly jump off the bar stools and head out to find a cab.

And although I was joe cool in the bar, the minute we walk outside I am all I SMELL LIKE STEAK!?? AND PIZZA SAUCE?!! And Kaitlyn is laughing and assuring me that no, i do not, but that wow that guy was a D-Bag. But even by the time I get home I am still unsure so when I retell this story to claire I eventually make her smell me and tell me the verdict. Her response: "You smell like a WOMAN. Like vanilla and cinnamon and everything GOOD". Well I guess that's perk number two of working in a bakery.

But seriously... WHAT THE FUCK?!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Cool People

I'm just not one of them. It doesn't come naturally to me. There are those people who are always ahead of the trends (maris) and there are those people who can grab clothes off the floor and ruffle their hair and poof they are hipster/trendy/accidentally fashionably chic and then there is me.

I'm not a total doofus. It took years and years of training to pull myself out of doofus but I think I've definitely graduated to at least a cut above. Part of the reason i could never actually live in San Francisco is because I'm just not cool enough. For serious. It took me pretty much an entire year to feel comfortable going to the store in my sweats. And downtown? Forgetaboutit. I always felt under dressed even when I tried! I mean, i guess towards the end I did buy a giant butterfly purse (LOVE)

so I guess SF did rub off on me in a totally non STD, homeless guy kinda way. Anyways - I totally digress.

I'm not cool. Sometimes I wish i was but then I think about how much effing energy it would take and I'm relived that I can sit around and joke with my boyfriend about how this one time i farted while being on skype and claire was all "did you just fart?!" but if she would have just kept her TRAP shut then Kamel would have never known and we would have all been just FINE without that information but instead he was all "I TOTALLY HEARD THAT" and haha now it's just a riot to bring up again. Heh. Or sit around with my room mate, claire, while we're both on our computers and crack up over videos of animals with human voice overs. Oh the little things.

This is all a huge build up to the fact that I got a job today. Working in a bakery (fun!) as a barista/front counter lady. And I'm telling you right now it's not that cool. It's not a snooty emo coffee job at the independent place down the street where they play obscure tunes and look under fed and do mass amounts of amazing coffee art. My coworkers jeans and tshirts that aren't made from organic cotten and aren't purchased at an ironic yet not too ironic tshirt shop. They wear sneakers and gap jeans and joke about the snooty old danish ladies who demand to pay 50 cents for what is now a 2.50 danish. They use words like snooty and not bitchy. It's a nice place to work. And I'm probably going to get about 50% less tips than I would working somewhere else but I have a feeling I'll really enjoy the people and the customers and the smell of butter and cinnamon every single day I roll into work. And even though I'll miss the money, I won't miss the attitude.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Bath Time Fun 5&6

Sorry for the several day delay. I know you all were on the edge of your seats. Who can resist the intrigue of sponge animals smooshed into desolvable pills? Not I, for one, that's for damn sure. Except we got busy... with lives, sort of. Does a movie with my parents count (hi mom! hi dad! even though you still refuse to read my blog). Anyhoos. Bath Time Fun 5 kept the score at 0-0. I guessed Buffalo and Claire guessed Moose. It was indeed a Coyote.

No surprise there. We lose.

But then the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the only-hoped-for occurred.... I guessed Buffalo again (Buff-alo! Buff Buff! Alo Alo!) and claire once again guessed moose and guess what?

It was a mother fuckin moose. Can you believe it? Claire is ON THE BOARD ladies and gentlemen. ON THE BOARD. It is now 1-0:Claire, and I need to bring my A-GAME to tomorrow's double featuer. It is ON.

Just Give Her A Second

After all the beautiful tear filled wedding moments in the month of august, I bring you this.

How easily could that be me? I mean for reals. Let's be honest. And then all of a sudden I'm down "tying me shoe" trying not to pee on the alter. Lord have mercy.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Letting My Nerd Flag Fly

Yesterday Maris and I went on a pilgrimage roadtrip to a small town on the coast of washington that gets a lot of rain and a lot of 14 yr. old girl tourists. That's right....

When we drove through I have to admit I was a little irrationally disappointed.

Me: "This is it? This is .... it? This is the whole thing?"

Maris: "Yes, Lauren.... It's a small town. This. Is. It."

Pause while we drive and look and i sink a little further down in my seat.

Me: "Ok for one, the sun is out so edward wouldn't be able to come out anyway because he'd be all sparkly and shit. And two - I'm actually kind of disappointed there aren't any supernatural events occurring right now."

Maris laughing: "Lauren!!"

Me: "WELL!"

So we drove around through twice with a mix between slightly mortified to even be there because we were sure "people new" cuz we "looked like twilighters" i mean "why else would we be here?!" and totally PUMPED.

We drove to the highschool where classes were most def in session, the parking lot full, where i kept trying to convince myself (among many many locations) "ok this was definitely in the movie. For sure. This looks totally familiar." And maris kept saying "it's a parking lot" but then started taking pictures so YOU CAN'T FOOL ME MARIS.

When we pulled out there was this amazingly large sign for the highschool all carved out of wood and maris pulled out her camera to take a picture while I just idled right there in the middle of the street. There were no cars so we were good. But then when i saw the picture I squeeled "TAKE ONE CLOSER UP SO WE CAN SEE THE WORDS." I would just like to say right now that by no means were we at all cool about this. I type this like "oh yeah we went to the highschool" but... for reals? We drove around LOOKING FOR FORKS, WA HIGHSCHOOL AND THEN TOOK PICTURES. And it was right about this time that we fully realized how ridiculous we were as a truck pulled up behind us and i'm yelling GET IT MARIS GET IT And she is zooming like it's her job and i start to pull away and she exclaims GOT IT! And we are laughing so hard we can't breathe and are starting to cry. And I'm sort of driving so the truck can kind of just pull around me while we giggle uncontrollably in my car. Then maris chokes out "I... have never been... more mortified... in my entire... life." And right then I knew the day was just about perfect.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Cherry or Strawberry?

Raging example as to why I love Maris...

Scene: Walking back to the car from safeway where we got Diet Cokes and an assortment of unhealthy snacks:

Maris: "Ok I have a serious question... Do you like Cherry or Strawberry flavor better?"

Me: "Are we talking fruit or candy? Or the entire flavor spectrum?"

Maris: "Mmm... in general... what do you like better? I mean I like eating strawberries better than cherries but cherry flavoring better..."

Me: "Hmm .... I'm gonna have to go with Strawberry because EVERYTHING has a cherry flavor and strawberry is just harder to find."

And then she reached into her bag and threw me this:

And you wanna know why that is so mother effing badass? 1) she remembered we had ring pops on our SF roadtrip adventure. 2) She bought them WITHOUT ME NOTICING 3) Hello RING POP!!

God I love you maris. Don't ever leave.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Bath Time Fun: 3&4

Ok so we actually had something to do last night (what was that? we have lives? Don't get excited - the big event for today was eating salads at the pizza place on the corner.) so we skipped our bath time fun and instead did two for today. They were both blue. Claire guessed badger both times and I guessed grizzly bear both times and both times we were....

SO INCREDIBLY DEAD WRONG. A bat and an alligator. WE LOSE. Score stays at 0-0. Claire is convinced this is just going to keep getting easier. I don't believe a word she says.

To Job or Not To Job

Last week I got two calls for jobs. One scheduled me a same day interview but the guy seemed shady and i just didn't feel like getting out of my sweats at that exact moment. Call me lazy... or call me intuitive. Whatever - even I can't decide. So I just didn't show up. Then on friday while I was in SF for Ryan and Katrina's wedding I got another call, which i promptly returned after I got out of District 9 (Wow intense, go see - you'll like), left a message for the lady and never heard from her again. This week I am nothing but available and yet i receive no calls. Why? Because I have smited the job gods and now they are punishing me. I wasn't ready on their schedule so they aren't playing nice with mine. Humph. In the meantime I'm getting all sorts of antsy. Remember 2 months ago when I quit my job? (well some of you will and some of you are new. hi!) Well for a solid two months I was all "I don't even WANT a job. All I want to do is WRITE" well now I'm bored and now I want a job and now the jobs have all clammed up and gone away because the universe never lets me have what i want, instead it likes to watch me squirm for a while until it decides in it's GREAT BENEVOLENCE that I deserve a crumb here or a smidgen there. And so I wait. Cursing my earlier smiting.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Bath Time Fun: 2

Rubber ducky you're the one, you make bath time so much fun.... actually started out as a pill

And then later became a wolf.


Claire voted squirrel and I voted badger. Still 0-0. Fuck. We're bad at this game.

Do I Have A Degree Yet?

Here is how the conversation usually goes:

"Congratulations on finishing! That's so exciting! What are you doing now?"

"I'm trying to get a job barista-ing or cocktailing or something so I can have my days to write."

"Oh... are you getting published? Do you have a book agent?"

"Not yet, I'm working on short stories and increasing my portfolio right now. But I'll be figuring all that out after the new year."

"Oh. Short Stories... heh.... really.... Well that sounds great!"

Just in case you wanted to have that conversation with me - oh look!! It's already been had, so you can feel at ease now.

The weird thing is, there was a gathering, a celebration of talent where I read (SUPER WELL I DID GOOD FOR REALS), family and friends were involved, drinking ensued... it felt like graduation, professors referenced it as graduation, but you know what? Somewhere out there, a box with my thesis is floating around being judged and it could take up to six months before i get the A-Ok. So... am i degreed? Or...? I'm gonna pretend I am. Cuz I am, right? You were there. Well, not you, but some of you.

Anyways, I'm writing new things. YAY! And I'm looking for work! I've gotten a few nibbles but nothing jumping out at me. If you know any place that needs a barista, or a really hot cocktail waitress that only has coffee experience, lemme know!! I can hustle with the best of them. :)

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Bath Time Fun: 1

My room mate and best friend, claire, and I have started a 12 day series called "Bath Time Fun". Last week while spending too much money at walgreens with Kathleen, we stumbled across sponge animals that expand in water. I give you Instant Critters:

So every evening claire and I will drop a capsule into a bowl of warm water and try and guess what animal friend it will expand into. This evening's challenge kept the score at 0-0 with claire guessing it was a buffalo and me guessing it was a grizzly bear. Only to find it was a motherfucking deer.

We even have a score board in the kitchen. Tomorrow one of us may very well pull ahead. Tune in.


I went to a friend from grad school's wedding yesterday and it pretty much blew my mind. I might be a sucker for ceremony and big life events (college graduation, major birthdays, weddings, births, etc) but i gotta say, there is something transcendent about a large group of people coming together purely out of love and appreciation for the relationship of two people they adore.

I guess theoretically this is how all weddings should be, right? But it's not. Weddings are crazy because family are crazy and there is a level of obligation with who you invite and where you sit so and so and who's great grandmother's whats-it you wear, etc etc. So weddings can sometimes be a little painful. This is the start of my wedding season (the wedding season of life). Before this summer I had only gone to family weddings and even those had my cringing at 14.

Anyways, i guess what I'm saying is the experience of a wedding is not about how much money you spend, whether it's an open bar or not, whether it's in a church, on a beach, or in your parent's gorgeous acreage. It's about a feeling of community inclusion, about the attitude of the guests, about a welcoming, inclusive environment where you feel like you're part of something great, just for a few ours, even if you're on the fringe. Weddings usher people into a new stage of life. It should be joyous and funny and endearing. I am honored to have been there for Katrina and Ryan. I feel like they've done more for me by including me in their special day, then I could have ever done by just attending, and I am very grateful for the experience.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Fashion: A-Symmetry

It's always on my mind and I forgot to tell you about my latest small designer purchase! I had been lusting after a new jacket for seattle. Something bright! and happy! to combat the grey and dreary and to ironically accompany my Rain Cloud Necklace.And then I stumbled across Little House on my beloved Supermarket and it was love at first sight. Sigh. But I wasn't sure if the coat would really fit me... buttons down the front, or in this case A-line are sometimes tricky because I tend to be a little busty. But you know what's the best about supermarket?? You can talk directly to the designers and ask there opinions. In this case she told me to send her my measurements and she would custom a coat for no additional cost. LIKE WOAH.And it turned out fabulous. Check it out:

I'm all about supporting independent artists so go check out her stuff if you like what you see. YAY RED!!

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Woah there. Where did all my archiving go?

Well here's the story. I started cringing at the idea of people... actual real people... reading my previous entries with all my angst and bad attitudes and talking smack about people (I TALK SMACK?!) and basically all of the things i shouldn't have been putting on the internet in the first place but so obviously was. And wow, that's embarrassing. Especially with my new need to be all prof about it.

So here we are. Starting fresh. Don't worry. I still have it all saved on my computer for easy references. But for a bit things will be a little.... bland... around here. But I'm working on it. :) And I still have funny stories and deep, introspective topics to discuss. So, as usual, stay tuned.