Some Days

Some days life is just hard. Harder than it should be, harder than the other normal days where something goes wrong and you smack yourself on the forehead and go "what the fuuuuuck", and then you move on. Yesterday was one of those days. So much so that I am now laughing about it.

I should have known something wasn't right and I should have marched right back into bed when Kamel totally flipped out on me in the morning over putting turkey on bread. There was also mayonnaise involved and his total, full body, melt down, complete with yelling and the pulling of his own hair, may have possibly been because of my provocation, but seriously - the reaction was totally uncalled for. It actually startled me, and then sent me stomping out of the house without him... until he caught up with me at the bus stop and then cuddled me into submission all the way down Geary, until it was his turn to disembark. Then, as I was nearing my stop, I saw two homeless guys trying to beat the shit out of each other. They were chasing one another around a newspaper stand, yelling and arm waving and trying to swipe at each other with their fists and then one guy yanked a stick,which was probably, at one time, holding some sort of a sign, off the telephone pole and started to swing it at the other guy, nails and all. That's when the bus moved forward and I was left with an icky feeling in my stomach and a vague feeling that maybe I should call the cops, but I didn't.

Then time escaped me at work. Actually escaped me, who does that at a job that is sucking the soul out of them? And I had to go put more money on my bus card because it was all the way down to zero, and I was about to be late for a meeting with my internship boss we shall call bloggess (until I can officially announce. At this point I'm just trying to impress her). So I called Kamel and he said he could swing by and get me in 30 min, leaving us 45 min to get to the meeting and it was all going to be A-ok. Saweet. But then there was traffic and thirty min turned into 40 minutes and then when I finally got into the car, and Kamel was frantically trying to avoid San Francisco traffic in order to get me back toward our apartment in 30 minutes or less, he accidentally took a wrong turn landing us right smack dab on the Bay Bridge.

The BAY BRIDGE TO OAKLAND,with no exits left. Heading east. During rush hour. which meant even if we got off at the Treasure Island exit, we would still have to battle against arguably the worst traffic in the city just to get me to my meeting in now - 24 minutes. If you had been in the car when the turn was made this is what you would have heard:

Me: Is this the bridge? Is this the bridge? Are we on the fucking bay bridge? Are we going to Oakland? We are totally going to Oakland. Mother FUCKER we're on the bridge.

Simultaneously Kamel: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? There was no sign! did you see one sign? NOT ONE FUCKING SIGN FUUUUUCK.
*While he banged the palms of both hands again and again down on the steering wheel

Also by this time I am starving to death because we are on day two of Weight Watchers Online Wedding Get Fit Marathon 2010-2011. Which just so happens to be what the morning fight was about. ("why are you putting on mayonnaise? do you know how many points that is? Have you made my sandwich yet? we're going to be late for work!" ... ahem) Once I realized we were headed right for the 9th circle of hell I knew I had to email the bloggess and let her know that I wasn't going to make our scheduled appointment. Thankfully her response started off with a, "ahhhhh hahahahahaha". She understood. Well, while I was emailing with my phone and Kamel was swearing at traffic, and I was starving to death, I also became ridiculously car sick. So there we were, windows rolled down, me gritting my teeth so as not to puke, and Kamel trying his damndest to now get us home as fast as he can since the meeting was graciously rescheduled.

But what could we possibly have for dinner? Our evening plans were flipped over backwards and I was about to start gnawing on my own arm. Plus we were restricted by points. So I resorted to a trick my mother taught me: Baked potato in the microwave. Only 3 points and it's done in ten minutes! (5 for each side). I don't know if I can fully and accurately explain how god awful hungry I was by the time I got home. Thankfully, what happened after I pulled the potato out of the microwave paints a pretty good picture.

Let me start off by saying the plate was really, really hot. And I had only grabbed it with one hand in a pot holder and totally under estimated the weight of my potato. I went to set the plate down quickly on the table, but Kamel was framing photos for our photo wall project and their was no safe spot left. By this time the plate had begun to dip and I was forced into using my other, naked hand (the tip of my pointer finger) to help hold up the plate, but it wasn't enough and I was burning myself. As I went to set the plate on top of Kamel's empty plate (still on the counter), the potato flew off and smashed to the ground in the little space under the cabinets, sending little sizzling potato chunks all over my clean kitchen floor.

And then I burst into tears and walked straight into the bedroom as Kamel called from the kitchen, "it's ok, Lauren! the floor is clean! It's totally fine! I saved it! holy mother this plate is HOT!"

I cried into my pillow for about 30 seconds before returning to the kitchen and putting cheese on my potato, and trying to eat it but ending up spitting it back out on my plate because, uh, it was too hot. About that same time Maris sent me an email that read,

"aaaaaaaaand WIN"...... for no discernible reason I can think of.... complete with this photo attached:

And I knew I was finally out of the woods.

Yoo Hoo!

I've been away from the internet for too long. First it was because Maris! the Lawyer! came to visit from chicago. We window shopped, bar hopped, wine tasted, ate amazing food, and .... played WOW. Yes, that's right, World of Warcraft is now on my computer and you can find me running around in Misha realm. Oh god. I'm being soaked in nerd. And it's not even from Kamel, it's from the secret nerd life of maris (maris, I'm publicly outing you! Embrace!).

I'm also switching up offices at work and right now we have a TV, but no computers. I'm behind in my blog writing, in my blog reading, in my emails, it's awful.

So to keep you entertained while I get my internet shit together, here is a video of maris and I at the Giant's game:

Lawyers Are High Acheivers

My best friend, Maris, graduated last saturday from the University of Chicago, School of Law. She received her doctorate and as a reward got to wear a funny hat:


and because she likes Kathleen and I, considers us fun and worthy people, we too got to dress up for the occasion.


During graduation I spent my time making fun of the lady reading butchering the graduate's names and by playing games on my phone. But when it got close to Maris's name, I readied myself to record history.

Kathleen was adament that we Woo-Hoo. I was less certain, but when the feeling strikes, it's best to just go with it.

Later that evening we went to a meet and greet at Maris's law school friend's apartment, right on the lake near Navy Pier. I played rock band, drank free wine, ate free italian food and then watched the law students smash open a pinata. Wait. Let me rephrase: Watched as maris came running back into the party room, carrying smirnoff bottles that she blasted out of a pinata. Well done, my friend.

Later we went out to the FUNNEST bar I have ever been to. The dance floor was PACKED, everyone was singing along, and beer was cheap.

The day, the night - all were a great success.

Congratulations Maris!! I am honored I was able to experience it all. And now I'll have backup when I threaten to sue people. Score!

Back Fat

When I was in college - thinking I was journalism bound (Cs in my Intro class proved to convince me otherwise) I applied for an editorial position at the newspaper I eventually became a copy editor for. Phew! Did you get through that sentence? Anyways - my sample piece for the editorial application was about the women on campus not wearing the correct size of pants. Of anything, really. I didn't know that editorials had to be based on some sort of research so what I turned in was basically a large, hilariously ranting blog entry. I didn't even know what a blog was at that point. Wrong audience is what I'm saying. I wish I had it on this computer but I don't know where it went. All I remember for it is the phrase "Cascading back fat" and that everyone I showed it to thought it was really funny and really spot on because holy jesus people! Pull your two sizes too small jeans up and OVER the love handles, don't just pinch them out creating the well described muffin top!

Fast forward 6 years later and I'm at work la di da, doing my thing when Maris texts me "You would not BELIEVE the back fat spilling out of the girl's shirt in front of me."

I have to admit (because I am now older and gentler) my first thought was "oh come ON maris, it can't be that bad, stop being so judgmental!" I did. I had that thought. And I went about my busy food service, bakery ways. And then a few minutes later, that crafty maris sends me a picture text. I think my mouth actually hit the counter. I think the entire room heard my intake of breath. I'm pretty sure I started laughing immediately and not more than twenty seconds later went running to the back to show my co worker because ladies and gentlemen this is no ordinary back fat scenario.



My first response was "It's like a BREAST is attached to her back!" my next response "WHY DOESN'T SOMEONE TELL HER NEVER TO WEAR THAT SHIRT EVER AGAIN!"

I have been called insensitive and judgmental, yes. But sometimes you just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of life, the human body, and lumps of fat that resemble boobs on someone elses back. Otherwise, is life really worth living?

Ladies Night

"Aw damnit your eyes were closed. Ok let's try it again... smile!"



"Kathleen! Your eyes are closed again!"
"Well the flash is really bright!"
"Ok one more time."



"Shit!"
"Really? I have tiny eyes, maybe they just look small. Lemme see..... oh. No. You're right. Definitely closed. This time I'm gonna keep my eyes closed and then when you tell me I'll open them."

"Alright... one two three... OPEN!"



"Shit. It wasn't fast enough. My bad. One .... more.... time."



"Hahahaha!!! You look like a crazy but they're OPEN!!"
"Please don't put that on facebook."
"I won't. I PROMISE."

Letting My Nerd Flag Fly

Yesterday Maris and I went on a pilgrimage roadtrip to a small town on the coast of washington that gets a lot of rain and a lot of 14 yr. old girl tourists. That's right....


When we drove through I have to admit I was a little irrationally disappointed.

Me: "This is it? This is .... it? This is the whole thing?"

Maris: "Yes, Lauren.... It's a small town. This. Is. It."

Pause while we drive and look and i sink a little further down in my seat.

Me: "Ok for one, the sun is out so edward wouldn't be able to come out anyway because he'd be all sparkly and shit. And two - I'm actually kind of disappointed there aren't any supernatural events occurring right now."

Maris laughing: "Lauren!!"

Me: "WELL!"

So we drove around through twice with a mix between slightly mortified to even be there because we were sure "people new" cuz we "looked like twilighters" i mean "why else would we be here?!" and totally PUMPED.

We drove to the highschool where classes were most def in session, the parking lot full, where i kept trying to convince myself (among many many locations) "ok this was definitely in the movie. For sure. This looks totally familiar." And maris kept saying "it's a parking lot" but then started taking pictures so YOU CAN'T FOOL ME MARIS.

When we pulled out there was this amazingly large sign for the highschool all carved out of wood and maris pulled out her camera to take a picture while I just idled right there in the middle of the street. There were no cars so we were good. But then when i saw the picture I squeeled "TAKE ONE CLOSER UP SO WE CAN SEE THE WORDS." I would just like to say right now that by no means were we at all cool about this. I type this like "oh yeah we went to the highschool" but... for reals? We drove around LOOKING FOR FORKS, WA HIGHSCHOOL AND THEN TOOK PICTURES. And it was right about this time that we fully realized how ridiculous we were as a truck pulled up behind us and i'm yelling GET IT MARIS GET IT And she is zooming like it's her job and i start to pull away and she exclaims GOT IT! And we are laughing so hard we can't breathe and are starting to cry. And I'm sort of driving so the truck can kind of just pull around me while we giggle uncontrollably in my car. Then maris chokes out "I... have never been... more mortified... in my entire... life." And right then I knew the day was just about perfect.

Cherry or Strawberry?

Raging example as to why I love Maris...

Scene: Walking back to the car from safeway where we got Diet Cokes and an assortment of unhealthy snacks:

Maris: "Ok I have a serious question... Do you like Cherry or Strawberry flavor better?"

Me: "Are we talking fruit or candy? Or the entire flavor spectrum?"

Maris: "Mmm... in general... what do you like better? I mean I like eating strawberries better than cherries but cherry flavoring better..."

Me: "Hmm .... I'm gonna have to go with Strawberry because EVERYTHING has a cherry flavor and strawberry is just harder to find."

And then she reached into her bag and threw me this:


And you wanna know why that is so mother effing badass? 1) she remembered we had ring pops on our SF roadtrip adventure. 2) She bought them WITHOUT ME NOTICING 3) Hello RING POP!!

God I love you maris. Don't ever leave.

Weddings

I went to a friend from grad school's wedding yesterday and it pretty much blew my mind. I might be a sucker for ceremony and big life events (college graduation, major birthdays, weddings, births, etc) but i gotta say, there is something transcendent about a large group of people coming together purely out of love and appreciation for the relationship of two people they adore.

I guess theoretically this is how all weddings should be, right? But it's not. Weddings are crazy because family are crazy and there is a level of obligation with who you invite and where you sit so and so and who's great grandmother's whats-it you wear, etc etc. So weddings can sometimes be a little painful. This is the start of my wedding season (the wedding season of life). Before this summer I had only gone to family weddings and even those had my cringing at 14.

Anyways, i guess what I'm saying is the experience of a wedding is not about how much money you spend, whether it's an open bar or not, whether it's in a church, on a beach, or in your parent's gorgeous acreage. It's about a feeling of community inclusion, about the attitude of the guests, about a welcoming, inclusive environment where you feel like you're part of something great, just for a few ours, even if you're on the fringe. Weddings usher people into a new stage of life. It should be joyous and funny and endearing. I am honored to have been there for Katrina and Ryan. I feel like they've done more for me by including me in their special day, then I could have ever done by just attending, and I am very grateful for the experience.